I would guess that most people in my age group and younger at some point at least dabbled in online dating. I’ve heard stories of people who found love just like the commercial said so I know it is possible. I didn’t ever get into it whole-heartedly, but I did test the waters a little-enough to determine that there may be a lot of fish in the sea, but most of them were more scaly and slimy than I cared to mess with. Since we finished our home study and profile book we’ve been waiting to be “matched” with a birth mother. Unlike online dating, we have no control over this process. We put our information out there, and hoped and prayed it would find a match-and in a short amount of time.
Not one day passes that I don’t think about when or if we will get “the call”. Some days it’s a slow simmer on the back burner of my brain, and other days it has full on boiled over and invaded every part of my life. Five days ago we got a call-not exactly “the call”, but a call. A new local maternity home that we have some connections to had a birth mother move in very recently who is planning to place her baby girl for adoption, and she was interested in meeting us. The night I got the call from the lady who started the ministry was at the end of an exhausting day. There were a lot of things hanging over our heads that were scary. In the course of a few days we had learned of KJ’s mom having some complications that were jeopardizing her already delicate health, my dad had some tests come out questionable at a physical, KJ had some possible big changes at work that could be good or bad, but we didn’t know. Not to mention, the beginning of 2015 has already left us bruised with some heartache. We both lost grandfathers, some friends buried their 4 month old-REALLY LORD?, KJ’s mom was entering a third year of a battle with cancer that is impossibly difficult, we both have some significant changes at work that cause their own share of stress and anxiety and then there’s the normal stress of being an “adult” in this world in this time which can cause even the strongest to hang their head and wonder if any hope is left to be found. If I’m being totally honest, I was starting to truly wonder if we had gotten it all wrong and weren’t going to have the opportunity to be parents at all. I know there are people who wait years and years to be matched for a child, and to them our impatience is probably at best laughable and at worst insulting. However, for us to turn another page on another calendar with seemingly no movement in the adoption process is so discouraging. So, we get the call that the mother wants to meet with us while KJ is working on his resume, and I’m in the bed with a mask on trying to numb my mind with quality reality television. Don’t judge!
Thirty-six hours later we walked into a restaurant to meet this girl. I had about 2 very restful hours of sleep, and I was praying to the Lord that he would help me not to throw up-at least until after the meeting. I have nothing to base my evaluation of the meeting on since we’ve never done this before, and I don’t know how other agencies structure this process. She asked us a few questions, and told us a few things about herself and her pregnancy. We tried to have “normal” conversation which was as easy as you might imagine. At the end of the meeting she told us that she was still considering another family for her baby, so she would let us know when she was able to come to a decision. I assured her that we wanted the best for her baby, and that we were praying for clarity and peace for her in whatever decision she made. What I didn’t say that I wanted to scream is “PLEASE DECIDE SOON! And Also PICK US!!!!!”.
We left the meeting, and KJ and I went back to work as if our lives weren’t forever different. It’s been 5 days since that meeting, and we still don’t know what she will decide. One minute I am sure that the Lord is confirming this baby is ours, and moments later I feel like He’s preparing me for the disappointment. I’m such an emotional wreck that I don’t trust my discernment to tell me which of those if either is truly a word from the Lord. One morning on the way to work as I was praying my guts out, but unable to form words or a coherent sentence, I remembered how the Israelites waited 400 years to hear from God. Generations endured a deafening silence from Him that was broken with the cries of baby Jesus. At the moment I felt like the Lord was giving me a sign that we too would be able to testify after what felt like a long silence being broken by a baby’s cry. Just a few hours later, I thought the Lord was telling me that our wait may not be over. I’ve created a million scenarios in my head that are all 100% based on speculation and 0% based on fact. I have no idea what this girl is thinking about us, if she’s already made a decision, if she liked us, if she feels good about us, if she even still wants to place her baby, when she’ll let us know about her decision and about a bazillion other things that run through my head all day and when I’m trying-unsuccessfully- to sleep at night.
So here’s what I KNOW: God is good and still very much in control. I have a million question marks right now; He has zero-NOT ONE. He will take care of us no matter how this thing plays out. There is a refining purpose to us having to endure this excruciating wait. Lord, please help us to wait well and allow this difficult time to build our faith and trust in you. God has given me the best people in all the world. We haven’t told a ton of people about this yet since there are still so many things unknown, but the ones who know have been the only reason I have any sanity at all. Just looking at text messages from my precious friends and family make me weep and wonder how on earth I am so blessed. When I told my Daddy and he cried and said, “Oh honey, I can barely catch my breath…” will forever be one of my favorites. My husband is amazing. This is huge for both of us, and we process it in different ways, but his tenderness towards me has held me together even when I am falling apart. No matter how this turns out, we WILL be ok. I will hold on to these things when my mind is whirling with all the questions. I will raise my hands and heart to the Lord in worship while I wait, and I will hope with everything in me that this is our Baby Lamb.