Sometimes It’s Just Hard

Fair warning…this is going to be me whining.  There; you’ve been warned.  I try to be super positive and “glass is half full” and such as much as I can, but right now I’m going to whine.  I’m also going to complain and sound like the spoiled brat that I sometimes am.  Will I be sorry that I recorded most of this, absolutely, but I also said I was doing this to be a journal of sorts of our adoption journey, so I’m going to include the ugly so I can properly appreciate the beautiful.

We’ve been on the baby journey for the better part of 4 years now (fertility treatments + adoption), and while I know that is a tiny amount of time in comparison to what some people go through to get their family it feels like a sweet forever with no end in sight.  I suppose I would be considered an impatient person in general; I don’t love waiting on things so this process is trying to say the least.  I also can’t think of another time in life where I wanted something so badly, but have no assurance as to when or if it will come to pass.  Since I guess we’re not the only people our adoption agency has to deal with from day-to-day, we don’t really get much of an update from them.  I don’t know if they’ve had an opportunity to show our profile book or not, and if so what the feedback was.  They send out a quarterly newsletter that has the same line, “We’re showing your profile book as often as we can.”  What in the world that means, I don’t know.

You want to know what else isn’t awesome?  Every pregnancy announcement feels like a personal insult.  There are approximately 9,754 people I know who are pregnant or have newborns right this instant, and while I am super happy for each of them to have their own little darlings it flat-out hurts every time I get the phone call, text message, Facebook announcement etc.  (I’m somewhat prone to exaggeration, but there are literally 7 girls (that I know of) just in our Sunday School class who are currently with child)  Lest you think I am sitting around being bitter about my own inability to do the one thing women were put on earth to do while what feels like everyone around me is able to do with little trouble, I am.  I’m only kidding; kind of.  Listen, I truly am thrilled for the people I love who are watching their dreams come true right before their very eyes.  Some of them are carrying babies that were hard to come by, hoping with every fiber of their being that this one doesn’t end in a miscarriage, praying that their babies are born healthy after a questionable test result, and all of them are just trying to walk, or waddle,  the path before them as the women God created them to be.  These are good girls who are going to be great mammas, and I will steal their babies every chance I get!

I’m learning that I am a girl who needs to feel settled.  I’ve always been a planner, and not much thrills me like a fresh new day planner with all the appointments and special occasions filled in-with color coded pens of course.  Our house will never be in Architectural Digest or Better Homes and Gardens, but I love that it is home and it is our safe-haven from the crazy world.  I love being out and about, and I will never have enough stamps in my passport to suit me, but I LOVE being at home with KJ and our two spoiled dogs.  Waiting for a phone call that may never come to tell us 1+1 now =3 does not lend itself to a feeling I would call “settled”.  In a best case scenario we will have 3-4 weeks from initial call to when we bring a child home.  Many times it doesn’t work that way.  I’ve heard way more stories of people who had hours or days at most from phone call to first dirty diaper.  We’ve tried to do a few things to be as prepared for this as we can, but the reality of all that will have to get done in a very short amount of time is totally overwhelming.  It’s probably silly to think like this, but I don’t feel that we can make long-term plans for much of anything.  All of our decisions filter through the “what if we have a baby” question, and they have for what feels like a long time.  Settled I am not, and I don’t know when or if I ever will be.

Now let me bring some reality to all this.  I know that we are so far beyond blessed, and the things that the Lord has done for us through his people along this path has been nothing short of insane.  No one deserves His grace less than the whiny girl tapping this keyboard right now.  We have had dear friends dig into their pockets to help us raise money for this adoption in ways that were truly sacrificial.  I could bawl my eyes out right now thinking of how many people remind us all the time they are praying for us.  I’m not a giant fan of social media, but I have been so encouraged by sweet words from people on Facebook.  I am friends with several of the PCM kids from the choir tour this spring on Facebook, and one of the little boys sent a message this weekend that he was praying for us and our family.  That precious thing is living in harder circumstances than I will probably ever see or know, and he’s praying for us-what in the world?!

One wonderful thing I can already see in this whole thing is how much work God is doing on my heart right now.  He is teaching me so much about myself and how He sees this world, and for that I am so grateful.  It’s hard and painful work sometimes, but I know I’ll never be the same for it.  I’m a pretty open book with friends and family, and I’ll admit that most of my life they are the first (and shamefully sometimes the only) place I’ve turned to for help and advice in times of trouble.  This time it’s been different; Jesus is the only place I have felt safe to throw all my hard questions and hurt feelings.  I feel sure that we’ll be wrestling with some of them as long as I’m still breathing earthly air, but you can’t wrestle someone unless you’re close to them.  I want so badly to make him proud.  We are so ridiculously blessed and God is so infinitely good, but this life thing is just hard sometimes.  I feel like Jacob in Genesis 32:26 “I will not let go until you bless me”.