It’s a New Day…

Mondays have a way of feeling like a fresh start.  There’s something nice about getting a “do over” from last week.  This is a wild week for us.  What many people may not know (or maybe I was the only clueless one before starting this whole process) is that adoption is EXPENSIVE!  I’d be lying if I said I totally understand where all the money goes, and yes, I have gone down the mental rabbit trail of why on earth giving a child that needs one a good and loving home has to burden the adoptive parents so financially.  However, it is what it is, and here we are. 

One of my precious friends, who knew that finances were one of, if not the, biggest hold up in the Lambein adoption process suggested we have a garage sale to raise funds.  I can’t tell you the last time I shopped at or held a garage sale.  Anyone who knows me could tell you that I am more the “throw it away or give it to goodwill as soon as I can part with it” type.  I don’t neatly package and save my old clothes and unused household items until I have enough for a garage sale.  But, our sweet friend offered, and I thought, “What the heck?” so we’re having a garage sale this weekend. 

I had no idea what to expect from people for this.  I thought we might have a few people donate some old clothes or a random end table from their grandmother that had a broken leg.  I wondered if we’d even have enough to look like a sale, and if we would make any sort of money.  Well, I don’t know if we’ll make much money, but the generosity of the body of Christ these past few weeks as we gathered donations is nothing short of staggering.  We got a storage unit to house all the stuff so we wouldn’t have to crowd our house or my aunt’s garage (where we are holding the sale) for several weeks.  The storage unit is full nearly to the ceiling-it even houses my friend’s husband’s wedding ring that was lost while unloading a pile of clothes.  (Lord, if you could help us to locate that this week, it’d be great-thanks!)  We started putting a few things in our garage when the storage unit was full, then it overflowed into our guest room, our office and our dining room.  My aunt has things at her house, our friends have things at their houses, and several others have said they are bringing stuff this week while we are sorting and pricing.  We have gotten things from family, co-workers, Sunday school friends, friends, Facebook friends, friends of friends of Facebook friends, fellow Junior League members-and their dad, and people we don’t even know.  I keep asking God to increase my faith through this process-to help me really believe Him, all of Him, and to let that belief change my actions and attitudes for real.  If having so many people-even those that don’t know us- gather up and donate stuff doesn’t help me to believe that God is working this thing out on our behalf, then I honestly don’t know what will. 

Now understand, it wasn’t particularly enjoyable to coordinate collecting all of this stuff from all over for the past few weeks.  I imagine I might have to check my attitude at the (garage) door when I am missing Scandal and other must see TV in order to sort through trashbags and boxes of other’s unwanted stuff, but I hope that I will somehow remember when I’m tired and my faith is feeling a little stretched thin that “Thus far the Lord has helped us” (1Sam 7:12).  I want to remember every sweet face that has handed me their things and said they were praying and hoping the best for us in this process.  I want to be humbled by the people around us who are giving their precious time to help haul, sort, price and work a garage sale that will not benefit them 1 cent. 

We’re praying for good weather and a great turnout on Saturday.  I’m hoping that we can make enough money to cover the few expenses of the sale and the Home Study we’ll start next week.  I’m praying God will allow this to be something we will always look back on as a display of Him doing “immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20).  I’m praying we will be grateful for the outcome no matter what it is, and praise His name.  Even if we don’t make a penny though, I want to look back at the way our little village of people has rallied around us and been so generous, and remember that God is so good to us.  He really is just so good.  

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Some things…

The following are some things I’d just like to have on record somewhere should I ever need to remember them:

1.  We are so boring, and I am so okay with that!  I talk to one of my best friends who lives out of town nearly every day.  She’s a momma of two little ones, so our conversations are rarely uninterupted and can cover topics from recipes to spirituality to current events to poop (either ours or her children’s) all in a matter of minutes with a few “Stop That” and “Do it again, and you’ll get a spanking” thrown in for good measure.  Anyway, our Monday conversations usually include a weekend wrap up, and I haven’t had much of anything to report on a Monday in a long time.  I did have to oversee a photo shoot at 4 different locations Saturday, so that ate up the day and lots of travel time, but other than that our weekend consisted of some lazy and some church and that’s about it.  I suppose I wish we had been a little more productive, but I am so fine with this stage of life and inactivity.  So there!

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2. Our people are so good to us. In the past 48 hours we’ve had people bring us more stuff for our fundraiser garage sale, Hubs’ boss gave us a cash donation for the fund, one of my Bible study girls’ co-worker offered us a nursery full of furniture, and countless people have offered to keep praying. I’ve been in church my whole life, and I’ve never loved the body of Christ more than I do right now. I’m overwhelmed, and I know that I will never have the words to express proper gratitude to these people. I hope that no matter the outcome of our present situation, I will always remember how sweet God has been to us through His people. I wish I knew a way to show people who either don’t know Jesus or aren’t currently surrounded by His people what a difference it makes. This life is so hard, and the people around us can’t fix the problem or take the hurt out of hope delayed, but man, can they make the steps a little easier to take. Jesus please help me to return this favor a hundred-fold! I want to err on the side of kind and generous always, even when it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable.

I seem to remember having more things when I started this, but it’s Monday and I haven’t been sleeping well so this is all I can remember for the moment!

I Need an Outlet

For as long as I can remember, I have been better with writing about it rather than talking about it-or living it!  It’s a little strange since I’ve never been a person who journals or writes with any sort of regularity.  However, life has gotten me to a point where I need an outlet.  Somewhere that I can write about the stuff that’s going on, and get it out.  I’m not sure if anyone besides me will ever read it, but that’s just fine!

Four years ago-yesterday-I married the man that was knit together in his mother’s womb to be my husband.  He makes me crazy sometimes, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that he’s supposed to be mine.  When we stood on that rooftop in Mexico before God and a few family and friends we promised to stick together through whatever forever had.  We were not young kids, and I had lived enough life to know that this thing is brutal and no one leaves unscathed.  Even with that dose of reality, I said “I do” believing whole-heartedly that we would get to have a somewhat “normal” life together.  We’d be married a little while, have a baby (or two) and raise our family.  That wouldn’t always be easy or fun, but we’d do it and be happy!

So far, that has not been how this thing has gone.  Maybe one day I will feel like going through the details of the infertility journey, but now it’s all a little to painful to even put words to.  Bottom line, a baby of our own is extremely unlikely.  That sentence cost us years, thousands of dollars, and more tears and grieving than I can really articulate.  We now have moved on to the adoption process.  We’ve submitted tons of paperwork, and are waiting for a home study to be scheduled.

Part of why I decided to come here and write today is all the uncertainty that accompanies this process so far.  Will we “pass” all the tests?  Will we somehow come up with enough words and photos to convince a pregnant woman that we would be a good family for her baby?  If we convince her, will she be able to go through with giving up her little one?  If she goes through with it, will we be able to come up with the money to pay for it?  Will the baby be healthy?  Will we bond?  Will we be good parents?  And the one that keeps me up at night and with a perpetual knot in my stomach-what if there is no baby for us?  Will I still be able to choke out “Great is Thy faithfulness” if this desire goes unmet?

You see, I believe that God is who He says He is.  Part of that is that His plans for me and my life are good and perfect.  I also believe He placed a desire in my heart to be a mother.  My whole life has been about waiting for the hope of being a family to be realized.  What happens to that faith if that hope is never realized?  What if we’ve done everything, and prayed ourselves silly, and worn our people completely out with the “Please pray, please help, please…” and the outcome still is a “no” from God?

My hope is that “journaling” in this way will help me to work through all of this…